I was given a couple passes to attend the Republican National Convention’s media party on Saturday night. As Robert and I walked to the event, which was surrounded by the entire Minneapolis police department, we were stopped on the street by some volunteers.

“Welcome to Minnesota!”

“Thanks, we’re from here.”

“Oh.”

“Well, have a good time, you need to walk around two more block in this sweltering heat because we can’t let you just walk that way without ID. But you look really nice…”

Welcome to Minnesota.

We got our clearances, walked into the Guthrie, and ordered a couple “Nasty Nellie’s.” This is the drink that Cue restaurant has created for the production of “Little House on the Prairie, the Musical,” for the Nellie Oleson character made famous by Alison Arngrim’s TV character of the same name. As we watched the thousands of “media types” walk in, our first thought was,

“We're going to need more Nellie's."

As we made our way around the sights and sounds of what must have been themed “Midwestern chic” we were excited to see so many people, but less impressed with the dress. Included were men, who obviously do not own a jacket, and think a party means cargo shorts. Note to men: Cargo shorts are not party attire when you get a pass to get in…and it is surrounded by security and police. Consider it a notch up from mowing the lawn.

Along with thousands of people, comes hundreds of faux pas. I will offer this advice to women everywhere who are not sure what to wear to an outdoor event in the city.

1. When wearing a very short skirt, imagine what it might look like if I happened to be at the bottom of the bleachers and you are sitting at the top. Consider that you might possibly be sitting up somewhere and someone might be sitting lower. As in a bar stool, at the top of a stairway, on the mezzanine where people can look up. Eye level has a new meaning in this situation. Because I can not only see between your thighs, and I know exactly what happens to your flesh when you cross your legs. Let’s keep cellulite a secret and our Brittney’s to ourselves, shall we?

2. We can see your panties -- through your fitted dress. We know if you’re wearing a thong, bikini underwear, full back panties or boy shorts. And, we know if they’re too big, too small, or “riding up.” There isn’t an unlined pencil skirt, slip dress, or fitted sheath that doesn’t reveal what lies beneath. A light shaper. Or a slip. Or both. Unless of course you’re unaware we’re playing “Guess what panties she’s wearing,” while we sip our third Nasty Nellie.

3. When the wind blows your dress between your legs, we can see more than you think.

“Brazilian?”

“I’d say.”

If it’s a thin unlined fabric, a slip will assist so that the fabric can SLIP off that which you’d rather it not cling.

I know I sound a little snarky. It might be the whole republican convention thing going on here. Snark is in the air. Though we’re being “Minnesota nice,” we’re a swing state. So the only reason we’re being nice is to get what we want. And all we want is to go to a party and not be distracted by bushes.